I must report all did not go as hoped. I traveled well. I did not over or under plan - I was flexible to the fluidity of the moment, yet prepared for basic needs (food allergies would not stop us.) i had 1 must do - see a local yarn store, 1 really like to do - go biking. Otherwise, I was ready to embrace what we chose to do once exploring.
Memphis provides many and diverse outing options - indoor / outdoor, urban / natural setting; museum, pop culture, music (lots of music), history, art, books, zoo. . . you name it - it is to be found in and around Memphis.
So, why the lamentations? Excellent question. I maintained a positive mood, even in the face of mild wonkiness. I was enthusiastic in my mood and temperament. I listened to my fellow's preferred music genres while driving (something I do not always or even often do). I even went so far as to sing along.
Yet somehow, my fellow was grumpy consistently throughout the weekend. I could not get him to express anything he wanted to do. He would not utter a preference for hotel, food, event, even music joint on Beale to visit. I remained unruffled, which is a sign of progress for me. I stayed upbeat. I offered ideas, I awaited selection. eventually I made choices without feedback so we would not be sitting in the car or hotel without a place to go.
When I inquired "what is upsetting you?" I got "I am fine." as the persistent response. The body language, tone of voice, facial expressions and prolonged silences told a different story, but I did not pester or confront. Rather, I accepted his assertion and offered options for activity which I thought might be of especial interest to him. I made sure we were at the Peabody at Duck time. He stood by the wall (10 feet away from me) while I tried to get a glimpse over the 2nd story rail into the grand lobby. I saw the ducks, on my own. He had been so excited to explore the public places of the Peabody. He talked about it often in the months leading to the trip. Now that we were there he had no interest. He just wanted to exit and avoid the crowd.
I was not sleeping well. I hardly ever sleep well. Traveling, erratic food access and limited sleep combined with the onset of mensus (early onset) combined to a Sunday with fatigue, cramps and mild headache. I still maintained a positive, let's explore, but slowly, attitude. Our 3rd day in town and we had yet to truly share more than a few moments of adventurous fun. I felt like he was miles away mentally and emotionally. I felt a bit like he did not want to be there, or be with me. I breathed through the concern and immersed myself in the coffee shop, the walking down main street, the drives through neighborhoods, the trip!
He, however, was cold and aloof and unresponsive overall. Finally at bed time he explained that he was frustrated that I did not walk all the way to the farmers market 10 hours earlier. I was the one who suggested the farmers market, he responded with a shrug and an 'ok'. We then walked about 12 blocks and discovered we had another 10 blocks at least to go, it started to rain, and I was bleeding from the womb, achy and had a mild headache. I chose to turn around. I had no idea this choice would bother him as I felt I was dragging him across town to the market anyway. I figured we could walk back to the car and drive to market.
By the time we got to the car a few distractions had put the market out of my mind (they were setting up a cultural heritage fair in town). I asked where we should go next he replied, "Just go somewhere."
Well I did not know what to do or chose. I was determined to be sure we did something he wanted, but he would not chose anything. I wish he had said something, anything, about being disappointed we did not go to the market, that he wanted to walk there or drive there, or well anything! In stead of holding it against me all day and choosing to not talk at all, which is what, at bedtime, he finally told me.
There we were in the enormous king size bed of the run down hotel we ended up in, having a heart to heart about the condition of our frustrations. For, I broke down and cried, eventually, because I had felt so alienated all day. I had succeeded at remaining positive and he still was behaving as if I were a disappointment and a heavy.
I felt like no matter how hard a tried to connect to him he thwarted me. No matter my positivity he was seeing negative. We talked long and openly about our perceptions and feelings. I am still sad as I think of how distant we were on our 'getaway' weekend.
He expressed an intent to see positive in me in the future rather than seeking and fixating on frustrations. I stated intent to affirm his assertions (he feels that I "never believe" him.) In January in the car in the car park of the library we had another 'heart to heart'. I have noticed changes in my listening habits since then, but apparently we still have very far to go to remedy our communication patterns. I sometimes wonder about the joy of our relationship. I wonder if we have somehow lost the joy, the celebratory nature, the seeing the other as a bright luminous being. I have tried to explain this feeling to him on multiple occasions. I am not sure he senses how joyless we have become.
Since the talk in the sea of a king size bed in a run down hotel in Memphis, he has been much more loving. He looks at me with different eyes. He talks to me with a different, more tender and loving voice, he touches me with a smile on his face. I am pleased (and surprised, which is a sign of how little positive attention I feel I received from him in the past months and months).
Now is the time for me to focus on the positive he is sharing and shower him with positive too.
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