Night, in a once was familiar now is alien space. I sit, knit and watch reruns of mediocre t.v. series.
A song in the background calls to mind my fellow, far flung from me: he at work in the Dakotas, me tending family duty in the mid-atlantic. Distance and disjointed communication - sort of our norm, sadly. Technology does not replace touch, nor does absence make the heart grow fonder. (That adage is nostalgic and inaccurate.)
I thought today about how I do not know who I am anymore, meaning when a central tenet of the self, a sense of place / history and purpose is removed, a void is not always the result, but maybe a sense of displacement does. But not displacement in the literal sense, more in the philosophical sense.
My life used to revolve around family - around doing what needed to be done, around visits with parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. Now, I have shifted - the visits home are no longer fun, playful and conversation rich. In stead they revolve around surgery, illness, housecleaning.... tending tending tending. I cannot abide my brother; I don't want to talk to him, be in the same room with him or have to deal with him at all. That emotion leaves me carrying around anger, frustration, exasperation and negativity all the time.
I don't mean to go into all the details, I merely noticed that - the trip home is draining, and when I return home it takes me weeks to recuperate. I need time to cleanse the spirit. I must stop revolving my life around something corrosive.
When I look at my life - I hardly see anything that stimulates and fulfills me. Knitting and my knitting community is one of the things that stimulates and fulfills me. The women, for they are all women, are positive, supportive, creative. I listen to their stories and laugh, or empathize. I am motivated by their constructive criticism and compliments. I am inspired by their projects.
My relationship with my fellow is sustaining - we share compassion and responsibilities. We intend on rekindling a 'love life'. We have plans of a weekend away - fireplace, meals, walks in the woods, bird-watching, - time connecting and sharing interests.
I look at other parts of my world, and I think "I must change." I am changing. I am following a path to wellness - new wellness treatments. And I really really want to be more active. Walking, biking, playing games, hiking.
As I type I am holding back tears, I do not want to feel sorry for myself or sad. I want to find joy, in small experiences, in moments if I must.
A song in the background calls to mind my fellow, far flung from me: he at work in the Dakotas, me tending family duty in the mid-atlantic. Distance and disjointed communication - sort of our norm, sadly. Technology does not replace touch, nor does absence make the heart grow fonder. (That adage is nostalgic and inaccurate.)
I thought today about how I do not know who I am anymore, meaning when a central tenet of the self, a sense of place / history and purpose is removed, a void is not always the result, but maybe a sense of displacement does. But not displacement in the literal sense, more in the philosophical sense.
My life used to revolve around family - around doing what needed to be done, around visits with parents, siblings, nieces and nephews. Now, I have shifted - the visits home are no longer fun, playful and conversation rich. In stead they revolve around surgery, illness, housecleaning.... tending tending tending. I cannot abide my brother; I don't want to talk to him, be in the same room with him or have to deal with him at all. That emotion leaves me carrying around anger, frustration, exasperation and negativity all the time.
I don't mean to go into all the details, I merely noticed that - the trip home is draining, and when I return home it takes me weeks to recuperate. I need time to cleanse the spirit. I must stop revolving my life around something corrosive.
When I look at my life - I hardly see anything that stimulates and fulfills me. Knitting and my knitting community is one of the things that stimulates and fulfills me. The women, for they are all women, are positive, supportive, creative. I listen to their stories and laugh, or empathize. I am motivated by their constructive criticism and compliments. I am inspired by their projects.
My relationship with my fellow is sustaining - we share compassion and responsibilities. We intend on rekindling a 'love life'. We have plans of a weekend away - fireplace, meals, walks in the woods, bird-watching, - time connecting and sharing interests.
I look at other parts of my world, and I think "I must change." I am changing. I am following a path to wellness - new wellness treatments. And I really really want to be more active. Walking, biking, playing games, hiking.
As I type I am holding back tears, I do not want to feel sorry for myself or sad. I want to find joy, in small experiences, in moments if I must.
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