Inadequacy seeps into mind
It matters not if I want them, inadequacies seep into mind. Am I doing enough? Am I capable enough? Am I persistent? Am I engaged with the world around me? Am I reliable? Am I ..... enough?
Then there is the inherent follow-up, 'what is enough?'
Once the thoughts begin, I can really dig-in to mental musings, delving into doubt, unearthing old inadequacies and quandaries, raking up past wrongs, muddying the moment with muckraking.
Intentions, actions, failings, frustrations, aspirations, aims, hopes....
Who am I? What am I doing? What am I leaving undone? What am I avoiding? Why? When will I .... be what I want to be?
As an independent author, I know I am not, currently, putting enough time into writing. Traveling for the holiday, then not being in my own space, and having tending to other (my mother) as my current priority, I am not writing at all.
I am barely even logging in to check my email, blog, social media... anything really. And when I do have a moment, my mind is not centered, the thoughts scattered, disjointed, unfocused and wayward
I type this in the few moments of quiet before I go to sleep. I spent the former 30 minutes trolling news on online sources (CNN, AP, Robert Reich, and various other outlets.) Like Alice down the rabbit hole - falling fast into an unexpected, sometimes frightening world, not knowing where and when I will land nor what I will need do to in order to find my way back to the safe, the familiar, the world of logic and appropriate behavior. Yes, I may meet some interesting, if unexpected, folks along the way, and may learn new things about myself, the world and preconceived notions, but it will be a harrowing experience nonetheless. Or perhaps all the more.
Each time I read an article, listen to a podcast, or watch a news video, I am overwhelmed by how inadequate my knowledge of regional, national, and world events are. I feel inadequate to the task of seeking out information, critically analyzing the myriad of messages and navigating the pitfalls of propaganda. I am more worried the nation at large, in the form of individual citizens, are inadequate to the task, and far to willing to defer to consuming the easy or oversimplified. I want to expose myself to the complex, though I am overwhelmed at the prospect and confident of the difficulty it will involve, and the stress it will catalyze, and the perpetual cycle of feeling inadequate it will launch.
I also feel inadequate to engage in meaningful, articulate, intelligent and logical conversations about the many concerns I have with social, political, and cultural issues. Avoiding the subject feels incredibly wrong, even as facing it seems insurmountable.
As I read over the few paragraphs I have written, I reaffirm my sense of feeling inadequate, disjointed and overwhelmed.
Rather than try to articulate more fully the muddle of a puddle in my mind at the time (I felt very Suessical in the former section of the sentence) I will shift my focus to winding down with a reflection on the positive and the achieved:
What small thing have I done today to live my values?
I value family and community. I spent time with and caring for my mother. She is facing a stress that she acknowledges she is struggling with, and I know my presence is a help and comfort. I also visited briefly with my sister, who spends time with and cares for Mom much of the time. Sister came to visit in the brief window she had before a volunteer commitment. She is amazing! (I will not dwell on the fact that I feel disappointed in myself that I did not rally to attend her volunteer event. I intended to during the previous weeks leading up to it, but I did not realize care for Mom would directly conflict time / day wise. Though, I still could have gone, but did not. Being unemployed I did not want to be tempted to make unnecessary (luxury) purchase of clothes (whimsical and fun, but not needed) with money I need to conserve. Since the event was in in aide of a local library, the contribution would have been worthwhile.... so many conflicting interests and emotions (such is every decision I make!))
I also visited a former employer and had a chance to chat with many former coworkers who I counted among friends. The visit, while pleasant, also alerted me to how little I have maintained connections with folks over time. We each become so immersed in our own lives, we disconnect from the lives of others.
But I digress into self-critique territory again, when I am trying to re-position mental pathways to positive recognition. I will restate the question, "What have I done to live my values today?"
Self-care is important to me and I walked for 30 minutes including major incline, which is a step, or 4,193 steps actually, towards wellness.
I spent an hour in meditative coloring and family connecting.
I put the needs of my mother above and before my own interests.
I thought for myself and used my voice to be engaged in the civic dialog around important social issues.
I took time to express gratitude and focus on positivity.
I allowed room for self-growth, personal flaws, and human frailty.
Then there is the inherent follow-up, 'what is enough?' Once the thoughts begin, I can really dig-in to mental musings, delving into doubt, unearthing old inadequacies and quandaries, raking up past wrongs, muddying the moment with muckraking.
Intentions, actions, failings, frustrations, aspirations, aims, hopes....
Who am I? What am I doing? What am I leaving undone? What am I avoiding? Why? When will I .... be what I want to be?
As an independent author, I know I am not, currently, putting enough time into writing. Traveling for the holiday, then not being in my own space, and having tending to other (my mother) as my current priority, I am not writing at all.I am barely even logging in to check my email, blog, social media... anything really. And when I do have a moment, my mind is not centered, the thoughts scattered, disjointed, unfocused and wayward
I type this in the few moments of quiet before I go to sleep. I spent the former 30 minutes trolling news on online sources (CNN, AP, Robert Reich, and various other outlets.) Like Alice down the rabbit hole - falling fast into an unexpected, sometimes frightening world, not knowing where and when I will land nor what I will need do to in order to find my way back to the safe, the familiar, the world of logic and appropriate behavior. Yes, I may meet some interesting, if unexpected, folks along the way, and may learn new things about myself, the world and preconceived notions, but it will be a harrowing experience nonetheless. Or perhaps all the more.
Each time I read an article, listen to a podcast, or watch a news video, I am overwhelmed by how inadequate my knowledge of regional, national, and world events are. I feel inadequate to the task of seeking out information, critically analyzing the myriad of messages and navigating the pitfalls of propaganda. I am more worried the nation at large, in the form of individual citizens, are inadequate to the task, and far to willing to defer to consuming the easy or oversimplified. I want to expose myself to the complex, though I am overwhelmed at the prospect and confident of the difficulty it will involve, and the stress it will catalyze, and the perpetual cycle of feeling inadequate it will launch.
I also feel inadequate to engage in meaningful, articulate, intelligent and logical conversations about the many concerns I have with social, political, and cultural issues. Avoiding the subject feels incredibly wrong, even as facing it seems insurmountable.
As I read over the few paragraphs I have written, I reaffirm my sense of feeling inadequate, disjointed and overwhelmed.
Rather than try to articulate more fully the muddle of a puddle in my mind at the time (I felt very Suessical in the former section of the sentence) I will shift my focus to winding down with a reflection on the positive and the achieved:
What small thing have I done today to live my values?
I value family and community. I spent time with and caring for my mother. She is facing a stress that she acknowledges she is struggling with, and I know my presence is a help and comfort. I also visited briefly with my sister, who spends time with and cares for Mom much of the time. Sister came to visit in the brief window she had before a volunteer commitment. She is amazing! (I will not dwell on the fact that I feel disappointed in myself that I did not rally to attend her volunteer event. I intended to during the previous weeks leading up to it, but I did not realize care for Mom would directly conflict time / day wise. Though, I still could have gone, but did not. Being unemployed I did not want to be tempted to make unnecessary (luxury) purchase of clothes (whimsical and fun, but not needed) with money I need to conserve. Since the event was in in aide of a local library, the contribution would have been worthwhile.... so many conflicting interests and emotions (such is every decision I make!))
I also visited a former employer and had a chance to chat with many former coworkers who I counted among friends. The visit, while pleasant, also alerted me to how little I have maintained connections with folks over time. We each become so immersed in our own lives, we disconnect from the lives of others.
But I digress into self-critique territory again, when I am trying to re-position mental pathways to positive recognition. I will restate the question, "What have I done to live my values today?"
Self-care is important to me and I walked for 30 minutes including major incline, which is a step, or 4,193 steps actually, towards wellness.
I spent an hour in meditative coloring and family connecting.
I put the needs of my mother above and before my own interests.
I thought for myself and used my voice to be engaged in the civic dialog around important social issues.
I took time to express gratitude and focus on positivity.
I allowed room for self-growth, personal flaws, and human frailty.
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