flash anger
i am angry. 'Ready to pack the cats, grab the bird cage and go' angry. I wish that I had my camper so I could drive away to a campground and be dry. I am so angry that even though the rain steadily falls, and has been falling all day, i am thinking of heading to a campsite and putting the tent up in the rain and staying there.
"with the birds and cats in a 2 person backpacking tent?" the more rational part of my mind asks.
"Humph. . . maybe" the flash anger replies.
We did not have a fight. We didn't - we were running errands, and I stopped and ran in the dollar store to buy happy birthday balloons for his good friend whose birthday is this weekend
I took longer than I wanted (only 1 cashier, long line, I did not lullygag or browse)
I get back in the car, hand him his pop,
and he looks at the clock and says, i was trying to get there by 4 o'clock.
Heretofore he never mentioned a time constraint. He confirmed the drop the boots at the cobbler first (in the opposite direction of the by 4 o'clock destination).
WELL, if i had all the information at the outset I would have urged him to go to the final destination first instead of last.
He had a plan, we were following his plan. I added the dollar store stop because we were driving by the entrance, would tak e 5 - 7 minutes tops (I think it took under 10 anyway)
Well he directed all his frustration at not likely making it to the destination WAY on the COMPLETE other side of town in 20 minutes.
Huh.
He is a lullygagger. He stopped and talked to the cobbler for at least 10 minutes, just chit chatting as if we had no other errands to run. Then he asked me where to next, as if we had no time constraints.
Then WHAM, ' i did not know we were going to do your stuff'
My stuff? Stopping to get part of a gift for your friend who you want to invite over to dinner and it is her birthday weekend is MY stuff. No. No it is definitely not my stuff.
Then when i try to explain that for him to not tell me all the information then be exasperated with me for the unplanned stop (though he asked me where I wanted to go next) compounded by the fact that he took his good ol time at the cobbler and chose the part of town we drove to when AND lagged around in the house for 20 - 30 minutes BEFORE we even left.... is exasperating and unfair he did not want to hear it.
"I don't want to talk about it. I did not mean to make you upset." in the just drop it tone of voice, in the your reasoning is unwanted and I am not listening to it anyway, so please just stop talking" tone of voice.
Though i appreciated his I did not mean to make you upset sentiment and was already letting go of the flash burst of frustration.
Cars moving in the perpendicular direction to my lane at the intersection (with a stop light) had completely blocked the intersection as and after their light turned red. I chose to drive around them rather than wait for the long light to run its course again. They had no business blocking cross traffic in a four lane interchange.
He did not approve of my choice (he never approves of my driving, he thinks I drive unsafly - though I have an accident free record) He says "Now you are driving out of anger" which I was not. The intersection choice was unrelated to the conversation we just closed.
"Stop the car I am getting out" he says.
"No you are not" I reply and lock the doors because I think he is not above getting out of a moving vehicle at this point.
Then I was driving 33 mph down the road after the intersection, the speed I normally would drive down that road.
He shouts (he who never raises his voice) at me "Slow the fuck down, the speed limit is 25"
I say nothing and just continue driving as i normally would on that road with the flow of traffic.
But now my anger boiled. The tone of voice, the swear, the facial expression, the command.... I rankled at each and all.
I determined, as we proceeded toward the 4 pm destination to not talk anymore.
Then I came to an intersection where a choice between to routes to the destination had to be made. I asked him which he thought was faster.
"Go which way you want to go" sulking tone.
"I wanted to know which you thought would get us there faster"
no answer,
we are approaching the turning point
no answer
no answer
so I drive straight - not sure which is faster, less trafficy, most likely to get us to destination the quickest.
A few minutes later he says
"Don't bother driving to work, I will submit the paperwork Monday. Go home and I will take the truck to the store."
In other words, I don't want you to come with me. I don't want to be in this car with you anymore. I don't want to talk to you.
So home we come. I am ready to pack the cats, birds, and my stuff and leave for the entire weekend. But where to go - a motel? expensive. camping? wet. All the way to my neices, I won't get there until 10 pm. To a friends? I don't have any in town.
So here I sit and type. The fuming anger waning, the deeper sense of outrage, frustration and fed-upedness still rankling.
I was angry then. But determined to make it to destination as close to 4 pm as possible.
"with the birds and cats in a 2 person backpacking tent?" the more rational part of my mind asks.
"Humph. . . maybe" the flash anger replies.
We did not have a fight. We didn't - we were running errands, and I stopped and ran in the dollar store to buy happy birthday balloons for his good friend whose birthday is this weekend
I took longer than I wanted (only 1 cashier, long line, I did not lullygag or browse)
I get back in the car, hand him his pop,
and he looks at the clock and says, i was trying to get there by 4 o'clock.
Heretofore he never mentioned a time constraint. He confirmed the drop the boots at the cobbler first (in the opposite direction of the by 4 o'clock destination).
WELL, if i had all the information at the outset I would have urged him to go to the final destination first instead of last.
He had a plan, we were following his plan. I added the dollar store stop because we were driving by the entrance, would tak e 5 - 7 minutes tops (I think it took under 10 anyway)
Well he directed all his frustration at not likely making it to the destination WAY on the COMPLETE other side of town in 20 minutes.
Huh.
He is a lullygagger. He stopped and talked to the cobbler for at least 10 minutes, just chit chatting as if we had no other errands to run. Then he asked me where to next, as if we had no time constraints.
Then WHAM, ' i did not know we were going to do your stuff'
My stuff? Stopping to get part of a gift for your friend who you want to invite over to dinner and it is her birthday weekend is MY stuff. No. No it is definitely not my stuff.
Then when i try to explain that for him to not tell me all the information then be exasperated with me for the unplanned stop (though he asked me where I wanted to go next) compounded by the fact that he took his good ol time at the cobbler and chose the part of town we drove to when AND lagged around in the house for 20 - 30 minutes BEFORE we even left.... is exasperating and unfair he did not want to hear it.
"I don't want to talk about it. I did not mean to make you upset." in the just drop it tone of voice, in the your reasoning is unwanted and I am not listening to it anyway, so please just stop talking" tone of voice.
Though i appreciated his I did not mean to make you upset sentiment and was already letting go of the flash burst of frustration.
Cars moving in the perpendicular direction to my lane at the intersection (with a stop light) had completely blocked the intersection as and after their light turned red. I chose to drive around them rather than wait for the long light to run its course again. They had no business blocking cross traffic in a four lane interchange.
He did not approve of my choice (he never approves of my driving, he thinks I drive unsafly - though I have an accident free record) He says "Now you are driving out of anger" which I was not. The intersection choice was unrelated to the conversation we just closed.
"Stop the car I am getting out" he says.
"No you are not" I reply and lock the doors because I think he is not above getting out of a moving vehicle at this point.
Then I was driving 33 mph down the road after the intersection, the speed I normally would drive down that road.
He shouts (he who never raises his voice) at me "Slow the fuck down, the speed limit is 25"
I say nothing and just continue driving as i normally would on that road with the flow of traffic.
But now my anger boiled. The tone of voice, the swear, the facial expression, the command.... I rankled at each and all.
I determined, as we proceeded toward the 4 pm destination to not talk anymore.
Then I came to an intersection where a choice between to routes to the destination had to be made. I asked him which he thought was faster.
"Go which way you want to go" sulking tone.
"I wanted to know which you thought would get us there faster"
no answer,
we are approaching the turning point
no answer
no answer
so I drive straight - not sure which is faster, less trafficy, most likely to get us to destination the quickest.
A few minutes later he says
"Don't bother driving to work, I will submit the paperwork Monday. Go home and I will take the truck to the store."
In other words, I don't want you to come with me. I don't want to be in this car with you anymore. I don't want to talk to you.
So home we come. I am ready to pack the cats, birds, and my stuff and leave for the entire weekend. But where to go - a motel? expensive. camping? wet. All the way to my neices, I won't get there until 10 pm. To a friends? I don't have any in town.
So here I sit and type. The fuming anger waning, the deeper sense of outrage, frustration and fed-upedness still rankling.
I was angry then. But determined to make it to destination as close to 4 pm as possible.
Follow-up: When he came home from his final errand, his mood was restored to lightheartedness. I did my best to find peace in my heart and let go of anger.
ReplyDeleteWe laughed, mildly, at the experience, and discussed respective perspectives.
Four years later he still refuses to discuss anY emotion. He walks away from me. Though on d he threatened to leave and never come back. He meant it when he said it.
ReplyDelete